stAndstill
My life is at a standstill: an actual stopping of time and moment; a frozen bubble where nothing changes. It’s not sad or pathetic or happy; ‘tis just a panorama that entraps people in its scrutiny and then doesn’t let go of them. Sometimes I think this is it: this is the vision I have always craved; one second of absolute clarity. But is it really? I honestly don’t know.
I have absolutely no friends left. There is not a single person on the face of this planet who I can call if I banged my car, was in some serious shit or wanted to talk to when I got dumped. There is also nobody who I can tell if I am happy about a day that went absolutely great, ecstatic about a project that came through or simply nervous about my first day on a new job. Yes, this is what my frozen moment in time is. It’s neither ugly nor beautiful. It’s just there.
Maybe it WAS my fault that from a few hundred people, I chose only a handful for friendship. Maybe, I shouldn’t have chosen in the first place. But then again, who doesn’t? And I certainly didn’t know any better. Turns out, I have to pay my dues too. From that handful, I was close to only a couple. And then one New Year’s eve, I just stopped getting the calls and the late night talking sessions. Keeping my cell switched on just didn’t seem important anymore. I waited, for days and months at end, but there wasn’t anything. Not a beep, not a word. It hit me then: I wasn’t needed anymore, I was being discarded. There were new people with new things to say, nicer talking cohorts with better enthusiasm and infectious laughter. So, I was stashed in a corner. I tried; I did, to get back. But there’s a limit to all one can do. Sacrificing ego is okay, because they’re still your friends but after that, there is nothing else to sacrifice. You can’t just show up a day before my birthday, look at my face and say, “tumhari shakal daikh ker bohat kuch batana chahta hun aur bohat kuch pochna bhi, per ubhi rehnay he do. Phir kabhi” and be gone with it. No, it doesn’t work that way. I waited for you and I truly did. I actually prayed for you to call me. I was tempted to write to you when I went through a disaster, I wrote and then deleted and then wrote again and deleted again. How could you not know when you always knew what I was thinking of? How could you not hear the pain and the desperation in my voice when I asked you to stay for a bit longer? How could you not see the shadows under my eyes or the plea on my lips? How could you not??
As for love, you know, you keep looking for a certain type of person and when you find him, you just stick to him. You never look around, suddenly every man just seems impotent somehow; never the same handsome, never the same charming kind… you turn yourself and your loyalties to him only, you make friends with his friends, start hanging out with them; looking and creating opportunities to be with him as often as possible. You never realize how alone you’re going to be when he goes away, how utterly desolate you’re going to feel when the perfect statue of “godliness” will crash to earth with only a few specks of dust left on your shoes. This is what has happened to yours truly too…
I guess everybody has the last- straw- deal deep down in them. Mine just happened to be crossed. On Sunday, I finally realized that no, this isn’t going to work. I am not a priority, fine! I never wanted to be one. But I’m not the second or the third or even the tenth one. I didn’t make it to the priority list... not by a long shot. And that, hurt. It hurt so bad that it took me three days just to realize that the pain was real and not going away. It made me crash. Words are just words; they will never really convey the feeling one would like them to. But that’s just it. I actually felt ripped. Nothing more, nothing else. It wasn’t agonizing, the pain didn’t tear me apart, but it did leave quite a big gash right where it hurt: the heart and just three fingers above the stomach. I carry on, each day, as I promised myself that I would. But I had also promised myself other things; things that didn’t really work out. I want you to realize that it is you I am writing about. You: who always forgot about everything important, you: who needed his friends to remind him about my birthday, you: who doesn’t call or text unless he wants somebody’s number or has to confirm about somebody’s plan, you: who doesn’t know that while you were happy sitting with your friends in some godamn hill, I was canceling my plan to meet a friend who I hadn’t seen in the last 7 years and now won’t see till god- knows- when. You: the one who then very politely told me that your plans changed and you won’t be able to make it now. I realized that you weren’t going to make it ever. And that whatever I had for you, had to get out; however it could. And don’t think that it won’t. I promise you, one day I’ll pass by you without the slightest hesitation. It’s just not going to be tomorrow or the next week or the next month.
I’ve heard that when you’re having a heart attack, you don’t feel continuous pain; just a sharp shot of pain and you’re through. The heart just gives up; for a sec, or a minute, that is not important. I didn’t get a similar attack, my heart didn’t give up. It simply broke to a tiny million shards that won’t really be glued back the same way. They won’t really beat the same way; they won’t really be mine anymore. You know, he was the person I had actually thought of as “him”. He was it. There was nobody else.
Just like all good things, mine had to come to an end too. I do not complain; for once a friend remarked, “You complain like a rich daddy’s girl whose finger nail broke”. No, I don’t complain anymore, because my finger nail hasn’t broken; this time my heart has. And you don’t care.
I have absolutely no friends left. There is not a single person on the face of this planet who I can call if I banged my car, was in some serious shit or wanted to talk to when I got dumped. There is also nobody who I can tell if I am happy about a day that went absolutely great, ecstatic about a project that came through or simply nervous about my first day on a new job. Yes, this is what my frozen moment in time is. It’s neither ugly nor beautiful. It’s just there.
Maybe it WAS my fault that from a few hundred people, I chose only a handful for friendship. Maybe, I shouldn’t have chosen in the first place. But then again, who doesn’t? And I certainly didn’t know any better. Turns out, I have to pay my dues too. From that handful, I was close to only a couple. And then one New Year’s eve, I just stopped getting the calls and the late night talking sessions. Keeping my cell switched on just didn’t seem important anymore. I waited, for days and months at end, but there wasn’t anything. Not a beep, not a word. It hit me then: I wasn’t needed anymore, I was being discarded. There were new people with new things to say, nicer talking cohorts with better enthusiasm and infectious laughter. So, I was stashed in a corner. I tried; I did, to get back. But there’s a limit to all one can do. Sacrificing ego is okay, because they’re still your friends but after that, there is nothing else to sacrifice. You can’t just show up a day before my birthday, look at my face and say, “tumhari shakal daikh ker bohat kuch batana chahta hun aur bohat kuch pochna bhi, per ubhi rehnay he do. Phir kabhi” and be gone with it. No, it doesn’t work that way. I waited for you and I truly did. I actually prayed for you to call me. I was tempted to write to you when I went through a disaster, I wrote and then deleted and then wrote again and deleted again. How could you not know when you always knew what I was thinking of? How could you not hear the pain and the desperation in my voice when I asked you to stay for a bit longer? How could you not see the shadows under my eyes or the plea on my lips? How could you not??
As for love, you know, you keep looking for a certain type of person and when you find him, you just stick to him. You never look around, suddenly every man just seems impotent somehow; never the same handsome, never the same charming kind… you turn yourself and your loyalties to him only, you make friends with his friends, start hanging out with them; looking and creating opportunities to be with him as often as possible. You never realize how alone you’re going to be when he goes away, how utterly desolate you’re going to feel when the perfect statue of “godliness” will crash to earth with only a few specks of dust left on your shoes. This is what has happened to yours truly too…
I guess everybody has the last- straw- deal deep down in them. Mine just happened to be crossed. On Sunday, I finally realized that no, this isn’t going to work. I am not a priority, fine! I never wanted to be one. But I’m not the second or the third or even the tenth one. I didn’t make it to the priority list... not by a long shot. And that, hurt. It hurt so bad that it took me three days just to realize that the pain was real and not going away. It made me crash. Words are just words; they will never really convey the feeling one would like them to. But that’s just it. I actually felt ripped. Nothing more, nothing else. It wasn’t agonizing, the pain didn’t tear me apart, but it did leave quite a big gash right where it hurt: the heart and just three fingers above the stomach. I carry on, each day, as I promised myself that I would. But I had also promised myself other things; things that didn’t really work out. I want you to realize that it is you I am writing about. You: who always forgot about everything important, you: who needed his friends to remind him about my birthday, you: who doesn’t call or text unless he wants somebody’s number or has to confirm about somebody’s plan, you: who doesn’t know that while you were happy sitting with your friends in some godamn hill, I was canceling my plan to meet a friend who I hadn’t seen in the last 7 years and now won’t see till god- knows- when. You: the one who then very politely told me that your plans changed and you won’t be able to make it now. I realized that you weren’t going to make it ever. And that whatever I had for you, had to get out; however it could. And don’t think that it won’t. I promise you, one day I’ll pass by you without the slightest hesitation. It’s just not going to be tomorrow or the next week or the next month.
I’ve heard that when you’re having a heart attack, you don’t feel continuous pain; just a sharp shot of pain and you’re through. The heart just gives up; for a sec, or a minute, that is not important. I didn’t get a similar attack, my heart didn’t give up. It simply broke to a tiny million shards that won’t really be glued back the same way. They won’t really beat the same way; they won’t really be mine anymore. You know, he was the person I had actually thought of as “him”. He was it. There was nobody else.
Just like all good things, mine had to come to an end too. I do not complain; for once a friend remarked, “You complain like a rich daddy’s girl whose finger nail broke”. No, I don’t complain anymore, because my finger nail hasn’t broken; this time my heart has. And you don’t care.
