Rheme

Happiness is nt addictive maybe cuz it never lasts long enough to become a drug. It jst swishes past us, like a moment of magic, a second of absolute silence.; like a prism that makes one ray into a rainbow but then falls back onto the same ray and becomes an ordinary piece of glass...

-Arooj Akbar

Rush me

I can put you in my pocket and walk with you. Every mile or so, i'll jst pat on it and reassure myself: u're there, u'll be there. That's how complex my love is.

I can let you be on my wrist , like the dial of my watch, I know u're there. Even though it'll be weighty but it won't hurt. This is how submissive I want myself to be.

You can sleep with your hand on my neck throughout the night. I might not be able to breathe, but i'll share the night with myself for the rest of my life.


You asked me why?
Find your answer.

Why can you not see? Why must I say it? Why must it be obvious to all. Why can we not pretend to be jst like ordinary people; pretend that it can all work out. Don't let me be rational. Don't let me make practical decisions.

Rush me.

yAy!

I feel like dancing. I know smthng wonderful's abt to happen. I have tht feeling in the pit of my stomach. About time, by the way. I was getting tired of always knowing how worse a bad situation was abt to get :D

My toes are curled. Hehee. I feel giddy AND fifteen again; the first time i had that very famous crush tht drove ALL my friends crazy. It's funny how a small smile can creep up ur face when u know how dumb and stupid you acted infront of that 'particular' boy. There's another boy. I really like him... a lot. He doesn't know. I don't have the *whatever* to tell him. But i honestly like him.

Can u please pray?

the End

I feel nauseated by the turn of events in my life right now. The way each thing has unfolded, leading, as if surreptitiously, towards one single purpose: the crushing of all hopes. I can’t help but seem to think, why me? I never tried to be special or extra ordinary. I just wanted to do things to make other people happy and yet every time, I have managed to fail miserably. As each night passes by, silent tears wet my pillow and as I sleep on that stained pillow, I realize how I manage to kill myself a little more today, with each tear a small part of my soul is washed away; never to come back.

I imagine myself a few years back… I was never happy but I was also never this miserable. My hopes never really were to walk on the moon, but they were not this crest fallen either. I was dumbfounded by miracles then, now I don’t remember the meaning of one. I have lost; and lost so majestically that it’s spectacular to behold.

There was a time when like all, I used to think that someday tears will have to dry and that no more will flow… not because they did not have any capacity to drain out, but because there will be no more left. And then again, I was wrong. I have lost count of the number of things I have cried upon, the number of times I have been forced to reduce myself to just-a-woman and hide in the shadows.

I have grown weak of this war and weary of the circumstances. I do not wish to entertain whoever-is-playing-games-and-laughing-hysterically anymore. I do not wish to live this life even for a second more. I do not know what things are held on which basis, but all I really know is that I am tired of this war. I fight within myself to contain my anger. I kill myself so that no bloodshed occurs. And here I am, rewarded with just-another-night-of-tears-on-the-pillow.

I have taken a decision tonight, ending my life once and for all. That lavish life, with enough money to buy the love and the laughter I have always wanted, I have strangled it today. By my own hands. It’s worse than killing your own child; because you are killing yourself. It’s sinful, but if God can’t help me in this, I doubt He’s going to find the heart to punish me either.

As today I end my life, as I had hoped it would be, I end myself. The woman they all thought they knew; is dying tonight and none of them have the slightest idea. Each time my heart broke, I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t let anybody know. And just like that, nobody will know of this. I do not want pity. I do not absolution from people. I don’t really care at this point.

But I really am going to miss this, I had such fondness for this mind and this soul. I had such hopes. I have myself. And now, it’s the beginning from a scratch. New people, new places, new face. Not a single shadow of my past will follow me this time. The chapter named, “arooj” is henceforth, closed.