Let the games begin!

I realized today tht its a whole new ball game now. I dont connect to him, i hardly feel like initiatiating a simple sentence-conversation with him and just to make matters worse, I'm fine :D hahahaha! But i WILL make him regret every single tear Ive shed and I WILL make him pay for those little jolts of hurt tht pass my heart every minute or so. I will. And u know why?

Because i truly did love him.

cessAtion

my mind seems tireless whence making plans. u know, plans? not the dreaming plans, but real life practical plans. each nite, the fan launches apparently a very successful attack on me. my hair flies! its horrible. one strand, then two then a few more are launched in the air thanks to the fan, thn mr gravity pulls them back *and frankly, since they dont have any mentionable spirit*, they fall... right on my face, my nose, my eyes... its irritating as hell. tht is when the plans kick in. each morning is s'pposed to be wonderful. morning bring sleepy time for me. while my hair tries to fly over and over again, and the sparrows in my AC start choo- chooing, i close my eyes and fall asleep.

my last thots are of you. u must be thinking of waking up now, hating to go to univ as always, and in ur mind, ull be thinking of ideas and making justifications for not going. maybe if u stayed home today, u can work on tht assignment pending from a fortnight. maybe if u dont go to skool tday, ull help out with the house work, or meet up with a long lost friend... and ull still be thinking of ways to avoid the univ while u brush ur teeth and shower...

and my eyes wud be closing with each thot of you, usually trying to suppress a smile while tht expression on ur face makes its entrance known in my memory.

will u call today? no. will you meet up this weekend? hardly. wht life is this? i dont know. will i ever truly know? im not sure i want to. will this ever be over? dont know.

in all these dont knows, i just know one thing: i dont want to wake up every morning from my slumber with a tear at the corner of my eye and a haunting expression which makes my mother's forehead crinkle with concern.

my friend made me answer a bunch a questions and concluded: oh, so u love him?!

i dont know.

Aina saaz

keh shikasta ho to aziz tar hai nigha-e-aina saaz mein

-Allama Muhammad Iqbal

The-boy-by-the-window

The-boy-by-the-window had grown so much since the time he was coined there. the street vendors all recognized him. but, nobody really passed a smile. it wasnt him, it was the mordancy of those streets, those mean eyes and those sharp tongues. the paan walah, who had this habit of spitting in every customer's paan. the kid playing with the football which eventually almost always ended in the small puddle by the street lamp. the puddle had grown some strange green moss and the ball would now come out slimy, grimy and very much in need of a "safe-guard advert". there were two pocket-thieves too. he watched them picking pockets every day, the same rotuine of them putting their hands in smbdy's pocket whilst displaying false arms on the outside of their cloaks, and the long run afterwards. he never told on them. there were the ants too: those small unselfish creatures toiling day and night; seemingly on an endless journey, going all around his window pane, one after the other, disapperaing somewhere in a cavity in the ceiling. more than once, he thought why they never fell on the floor.

somewhere in all this daily activity, his little heart beat constantly. to the rhythm of the street. the breath came in variations too. swishy, whilst the pickpockets ran. giggly wen the paan walah spat, slow and painful wen the ball fell in the puddle. short fascinated gasps came out amid the ant-march.

The-boy-by-the-window had grown by the window in the water-leaked wall *tht smelt strangely of cigarette smoke* on top of the street tht buzzed with life *like small flies buzzed over his rooh- afza* in a town where nobody insinuated sleep *just like he wanted his perfect world to be*. This world was strange to none. everybody he knew had grown up in this street. there was no other world than the one he saw everyday; hour after hour, even in his dreams, where he would walk down the same boulevard, move with the same pickpockets, learning to pick pockets offcourse, see the same paan walah and play with the boy-with-the-football.

Tht, however, was unlikely.

NO!

Fuss & Clutter

I realize how selfishly ive spent my life.
I also realize just how unimportant ive become. like a useless gadget. the only difference is that i havent been discarded... yet.

I realize that tears just dont always come when you want them to. i understand the frustration when tht happens and i also realize how hard we try for just a few tears.

I realize how unfortunate some of us are: winning where it doesnt matter *no matter how many people are there to witness it* and losing where it matters the most *even in the absence of observers*.
I also realize, with a little sadness, that most of us dont even know what we've lost when we lose it.

I realize how selflessly ive loved. i also realize how desperate i wouldve always come accross to the people ive loved. i also realize tht i usually hope against hope and tht's a fault i try valiantly to oversee... but cant.

I realize we may swing from being agnostics to atheists, but in our younger yrs, we dont always think straight. I also realize that right now, im also 22 :)

I realize many of us will never know what true and complete ecstasy is. this makes me very very unhappy.

I realize how the word: "hurt" is not nearly enough when a heart breaks and i also realize that it breaks several times and no matter on how many occasions it breaks and due to whatever reasons, the pain never lessens and you never ecome accustomed to it.

I realize, with considerable pain, that I-Like-You will never equate to I-Love-You.
From this, ive realized that no matter what everyone *especially the maulvis* say, some prayers DO go unanswered for whatever reason, regardless of it being good or bad.

I realize that sometimes even universal truths are lies. if u dont look great, you should be ready for the worst in all.

I've also realized tht if ure calm, serene and aristocratic from outside, people will go an extra mile to make you feel at home and fir right in. this tells me how important it is to be born at the right place to the right people, as if this too, is our responsibility.

I've realized tht my hands and feet will never be pretty or even close to tht.

I've also realized tht i'd want to die of a brain disease than a heart related one *it would be awfully sad to be let down by one's own heart*

I've realized tht yellow lights on the traffic signals serve no purpose at all and tht probably more people die on the zebra crossings than on Mount Everest.

I've realized tht thnigs can NEVER be "prettier", but canb ALWAYS turn worse. i dont know the reason for tht.

I've realized tht no poison works as thoroughly and as effectively as memories.

I've realized tht endings are never perfect and hardly any will be happy ones. it is, therefore, agreed uopn tht providing children with fairy tales is an unspeakable act of cruelty.

I've realized tht money does make the world go around, but it really cant buy love or happiness. ive tried...

I've realized the worse fate is to be numb and still hurt. the occassional stabs of a sharpo pain in your chest are painful reminders

I've realized tht cats can tell when u want them to shut up and only purr at your babblings.

I've realized how blissful it is to be drunk or stoned. subsequently everyone who says chocolate and ice cream cure all are fat and pimply with no concerns about either their obesity or their pimples. therefore, theory rejected!

I've realized tht ill never be good enough for either of my parents. ill never be "docile" enough or "homely" enough and off all the people, their's was the love ive ached for most.

I've realized everytime i tried to pray for myself, i didnt know wht to ask for.

I've realized how grotesque, hideous, blemished and hollowed out i am. i feel touched and very very ugly. this feeling, is not "just a phase" of my life.

I've realized people who laught the most, cry the hardest and nobody really knows this. we are, consciously, oblivious to misery, especially if not ours.

I've realized tht it positively sucks when people dont know wht your favourite color or food is when you even know how much sugar they take in their damn tea/coffee.

I've realized tht the ultimate death of the soul is when you apprehend that your dreams will never be envisioned since they were too broken.

I've realized that if pain wasnt an inherent part of it, we would never adhere to religion.
I've also realized most people "serving" God equate compromise to happiness. what God would want tht?

I've realized that "beautiful" and "pretty" will be never be justified antonyms to "hideous" and "grotesque".

I've realized tht the best things in our life never last more than 3 minutes flat: prayer, birthday wish, declaration of love, poignant moments, icecream in summers, genuine smile, orgasm, hugs, tht Look, apple chewing gum and a sunset.

I've realized there are no such things as "levels of love" and "preferences wrt importance"

I've realized tht a woman's instincts and a man's logic are never to be messed with.

I've realized tht if u arnt afraid, u aint in love.

I've realized tht no matter how many times i try, ill always loathe half- boiled eggs, sushi, pointed toed shoes, chemistry and merry-go-rounds.

I've realized how pathetic it is to be scared of dark, night rain and ferris wheel when you're alone.

I've realzied tht mere lines and a few dabs of paint will never make a living.

I've realized tht people who fall off a building probably die of shock more than the impact.

I've realized tht listening to God is half not as good as actually conversing to Him.
I've also realized the knowing-in-advance can be very scary but nothing beats Him answering ur questions.

I've realized tht my unruly curly hair will never be perfectly straight.

I've realized tht im still not sure why when a mirror breaks, u can never piece it together perfectly

I realize tht ill never grow tired of writing, cooking and listening to guitars or weray of lavender scents, vanilla ice cream, the smell of petrol, candles, buttercups and mahogany wood.I realize tht someday i wud like to go on a long drive with somebody who doesnt want to talk incessantly and who'd just let me look outside.

I realize how much i hate to make small talk or smile at every godamn person.

and like always:
I realize tht ill never be able to find suitable endings for most of the things i write...

Pleasing for the readership

He calls me and everytime wants to know exactly how sad and miserable i am. and then valiantly tries to exorcise whtever little demons i have. we usually end up discussing people's disorders though :D

for Cigrael; since he wantd me to write somethng "happy" and "cheerful" this time.

oh what can anybody write anythng that's cheerful and happy and pleasing to the senses? i dont know. my attempts at humor are often lame by me and "glanceful" by others.

Praise to the emptiness that blanks out existence. Existence:

This place made from our love for that emptiness!

Yet somehow comes emptiness,

his existence goes.

Praise to that happening, over and over!

For years I pulled my own existence out of emptiness.

Then one swoop, one swing of the arm,

that work is over.

Free of who I was, free of presence, free of dangerous fear, hope,

free of mountainous wanting.

The here-and-now mountain is a tiny piece of a piece of straw

blown off into emptiness.

These words I'm saying so much begin to lose meaning:

Existence, emptiness, mountain, straw:

Words and what they try to say swept

out the window, down the slant of the roof.

-Jalal ud Din Muhammad Rumi