The ache.

im lonely. great way to begin ur latest post, but i jst cant help it. im lonely beyond belief. people think im not, since i have such a huge circle of people all arnd me. thy think its funny wen i tell them this. they think of me as ungrateful of wht God has given me. they think im just being a girl. mebbe i am. i dont know. but i really am lonely. really. i just wish smbdy wud atleast believe me. i have nobody to share myself with. people think of me as their best friend, their confidante. but im not. i cant even cry. cuz i hafta hold up all. when they cry, i am the shoulder and the pillow. wen i cry, there is nobody. i cant talk to anybody cuz nobody understands me. no matter wht i do, its not enough. wen im sitting alone, they cum up to me and have this quizzical expression on their face. they ask me, "wht's wrong arooj?" and their eyes have tht same expression tht says, "wht cud be possibly wrong with you? u have a perfect life!" i dont. i dont have a perfect life. i have nobody i can trust, i have nobody to lean on. i cant make friends cuz they ultimately turn into "people in need of counselling". im a human being. i get scared too. i have needs too. i dont have wings. i cant fly away or hide in a corner. i have problems too. problems tht are just as painful. my heart breaks just like urs does. my faith dwindles just like u question urs. im not mother superior. im not gifted. i wasnt made this way. im not strong. im just moulded this way.

if i can hear u cry, why cant u see my tears?

i didnt plan my life this way. jst the other day, somebody i luk upto told me, "u have a great life! how many 22 yr olds of this world work two jobs and earn well while they complete their thesis and make the collection for their fashion show? u have amazing talent. u touch people..." why doesnt anybody realize im 22 and not 42... and im in competition with my own self! i yearn to be able to learn, not know everythng in advance; surprised when it suddenly starts raining all of a sudden and not feel tht dim ache in my heart everytime it pours. i have the same dreams. and even though i swear like a man and talk like a 60 yr old, im still a girl who gets hurt everytime all of her friends get a mail from her crush and her inbox remains empty and im still 22 who loves cheesy novels and hates her work places. im still tht undergraduate who wants to change the world and im still a little girl who gets scared of dark and hates wen it rains at night.

im still arooj who would give anythng to be arooj

to have a shoulder to cry on

and to be loved even with swollen eyes and a red nose.