The Shadow

i feel stuck in a moment. daddy's girl *not really* tryin realy hard to make him proud of her. prep class and she stands first. daddy put tht certificate in a file and closed it. tht file was opened again from time to time to put more certificates in... result cards and scholarship- certificates, certificates of outstanding acheivements, memos and invitations frm skools and colleges and finally the university to attend award ceremonies, certificate of being the univ president for two consecutive yrs... certificates that hinted she was trying for sumthng... certificates dat told the world she was pushing herself, certificates that were supposed to make him proud.

but papers really... ordinary papers with a few words written on them, stored forever in a file. a human soul stored forver in a bottle on the shelf, left and forgotten in time, looked upon from time to time to put on more restrictions, to be used as found necessary.

she was a kid. they didnt fuckin realize wat they were doing to her. they messed her up. she never felt able enuf. it was as if she was worthless. she made friends... so many of them... fell in love a cupla tyms... but she neva felt worth any of it. wen she prayed, she felt evn God rejecting her. was she that bad? cud she get ne worse? every day she did.

she wrote and wrote and burned all. it wasnt good enuf. she scored but was never loved. oh she did so much. willingly, unwillingly to make her dad proud. to become daddy's girl fucking hell. she never did. she didnt complain wen she felt strangled, she didnt cry when they kept tearing her apart. she didnt evn luk hurt. this was she. this was how she made herself. strong and oh so confident. every day she crumbled even more.

"ure the biggest mistake of my life"...

"its my greatest misfortune dat i have a daughter"...

"it wudnt mattr if i lost you anyday"...

thankyou daddy

Shakespeare

Love is not love

which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove,

O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown,

although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool,

though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his blending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom,

If this be error,

and upon me prov'd

I never writ,

nor no man ever lov'd.

if only there were more of him arnd

ramblings of an insane woman

Crop me
Roughen out the edges
Smoothen out my moods
Lay me out on a paper
Sketch and save me
Memories
Lies
Deceit
Fraud
Salt away in a capsule?
Oh why not take me?
Discover me?
Please…?

Boxed on a shelf
Like a piece of meat
Stared at, judged and priced
Bought and used
Discarded and forgotten

Really?

Written about
Printed and published,
Read and re- read
Tears sighed
Something said?
No.!

Start of the waiting game
Assessing the accomplices
Crossed out names
Broken winds and masts
Halted interrupted journeys
New year resolutions?
Regrets? Compliances?

Off key tunes
Lame good byes
Hold me close forever?
Till death does us part?
Huh!
Raised brows~

The 13th step

in times like these, one truly wish to let go. like an auburn leaf dat lets go of the tree branch. no one questions it. and the fall is graceful too. much more graceful than drowning or falling frm the 13th step. only, one cannot let go.

the 13th step is pretty horrible in a funny kinda way. sorta like a sadist's point of view. u cant really judge nethng. only the mind knows. and the matter suffers.

it really is impossible to feel someone elses' pain. they give you words of hope. they offer you a shoulder. but they cannot feel. nobody can feel. and at times like these, words are not welcomed. i dont atleast. its weird. its stupid. its pointless. and i fucking hate this world.