meri adhoori kahani
nuthn hurt at tht moment. it all went smoothly. both of us said bye to tht already disintegrating situation. numbness had settled in a long tym back. i thot it wudnt hurt. it didnt! we parted, not gracefully, but we did part...
i dunno where to go frm here. mebbe i was never good enuf. mebbe i wus jus too available. men tend to be lyk tht. how was i supposed to knw this happens in friendships too? how the fuck was i supposed to know????
numbness steeled in deeper wen he became friends with another of my friends. i was used to tht. i cud never understand. why did he do all that? i cudnt ask him... everytime i mentioned this, he wud ask me if i wuz being jealous. this was bad enough. i was never being jealous. jus very confused. was i in lacking somewhere? he became good friends with my friend. she askd me abt him. wat cud i say? infact, i never did say nethng. he did her assignments. he had never done mine. he posted on her blogs. he started msging her and then another friends. i cudnt complain. we had gone different ways. he started being friends with others too. my gap was filled. i was replaced. then numbness lost. heart ache returned.
my scraps buks kept filling with evrithing other than his scraps. my lyf went on without his reminders. i started handling my situations without his calls. my dad had a stroke. i didnt cry. i didnt shed a single tear. i went on. i took him to the doc appointments. i saw him goin for his physiotherapy. i went to the university. i continued my studies. i went on. i didnt call him up. i havnt calld him up.
i dont plan to either. i changed. something inside me changed. the hurt and the pain changed it. a cuple of my friends are in constant contact with him. this is bad enuf. something has happened to me. i dont know wat. ive turned cold... frosty mebbe. emotions dont effect me now. i see people cry infront of me. i just turn away. my sympathies are not there for them any more. i dont have many pictures on my wall now. i dont believe in dreams coming true now. i dont believe somebdy cud love me for who i am. besides, i dont even remember my original skin. huh.
and i dont blame all of that on one person only. on him only. no. how can he be responsible for all of this? lol. its me. i know. the fact i dont miss him anymore scares me. but i dont. but yes, it feels as if a chunk of my heart is cut off. its hurts constantly. that slow hurt. where you dont recognise the pain. but u identify wid it.
he cudnt find any magic in my words anymore. my mistake was i stopped believing in them too. that's wen evrything flew away with the faith. i know sumbdy today who's ready to be by my side for the rest of my life. i dont believe him. i start joking wen he turns serious. isnt this wat lyf is? a big ugly joke?
*this is for smbdy who doesnt read my blogs anymore*
